A Father's Day Reflection

Sometimes I think that every generation believes they know better than the generation before them. I’m sure I harbored that belief with respect to my own parents, and I sometimes see my grown-up children do the same with me. Each generation believes they are smarter, wiser and more attuned to the workings of the world than their parents were, if for no other reason than times, cultures, technology, and available information change. The world moves on in ways we don’t always comprehend, while we parents seem stuck in the past. It is often lost on our children that with age comes experience, and with experience, wisdom. And it is often lost on us parents that we gained much of our experience only because our own parents trusted us to learn from the mistakes we inevitably would make.

When our children are small, they look up to us. They understand we possess the know-how that allows them to navigate their environments. They may or may not idolize us, but they recognize their dependence and, happily or not, submit to our authority. The beauty and calamity of adolescence and early adulthood is that children begin to assert their independence and show an increased willingness, even eagerness, to leave their parents behind. At least that’s how it used to be.

I learned that lesson many times, but none more effectively than when I took our oldest child to visit colleges. The first time I stepped into a college admissions office with him, the admissions officer spoke only to him. She did not look at me or acknowledge my presence. It only took a few seconds for me to realize that’s how it was supposed to be – as my son’s dad, my role was to be his driver and, between visits, his sounding board. The rest was up to him. The bird had flown the nest.

When our kids are young, we try to protect them from the pain and hardships of the real world. But as they mature, we also learn we are powerless to protect them from everything, and even if we could, doing so would not always be welcome or wise. After all, it’s mainly through hardships that people grow. And, parents don’t always know what’s best for their children in any event.

When our kids progress through adulthood, the challenges they face tend to get harder and the consequences of failure more severe. We can be tempted in those times to think we can continue to protect them, but most often we can’t. Sure, we can offer them comfort and advice, a shoulder to cry on, a home if they need one. But parenting adult children has its limits. Our children become responsible for their own actions, and we have to trust that we raised them in a manner that equipped them to handle that responsibility.

My own father understood that. He got me started on my way with moral and financial support. He was the exemplar of a good father – a hard worker and successful business owner, devoted to family, a man of faith, and a pillar of his community. He was kind, decent, caring, generous, and always willing to lend a hand when someone he knew needed help. He and my mother raised us children well in a loving and stable home, instilling in us the same laudable values that they grew up with. When it was time for us to strike out on our own, as I did by moving hundreds of miles away to begin my career, Dad always let me know he was there for me, but never tried to limit my autonomy. Even though we were miles apart, he remained a constant source of strength and comfort, through his long-distance presence when he was well, and through the memory of his example after he was gone.

I think my father got it right. He found that balance between serving as my safety net while trusting me to live my life. And in doing so, he showed me how to be a good father to my own children. On this Father’s Day, I commit to doing my best to live up to his worthy example.