On Self-Forgiveness

In my March 28th issue of this newsletter, I wrote about forgiveness. The focus of that piece was our ability to forgive other people. Today I want to write more briefly about a quality that can be just as important, the capacity to forgive ourselves. By way of clarification, I write this not because of any current situation in my own life, but rather because of my more general ruminations on the topic.

In a competitive, market-based economy, we place a premium on telling others how great we are at what we do. The social media platform, LinkedIn, is built on that paradigm, as is every marketing department of every organization everywhere. But what we gain in employment or customers, we may lose in clarity of vision, authenticity, and accountability. Even worse, by trying to live up to the image of high-achievement and perfection that we project to the world, we may hold ourselves to impossibly high standards. And doing so may lead either to a false denial of our own limitations or a deeply rooted sense of inadequacy when we inevitably make mistakes or fail to consistently perform at the highest level. That sense of inadequacy can be especially painful when our mistakes or shortcomings result in undesirable consequences, whether in our professional or our personal lives.

One of the things that attracts me to my faith tradition is its premise that we all make mistakes and fall short of ideal goodness, but that our failures and imperfections do not make us any less deserving of love. I believe that premise applies to everyone, and does not depend on whether one subscribes to any particular religion or none at all. We all would be happier, and the world a better place, if we embraced the humility to accept that, at times, we will be wrong, we will make mistakes, and we will not perform at our highest potential (or our highest potential turns out not to be good enough). What matters is not that we be perfect, because we can’t be, but that we try to do our best in the things that matter most, and that we forgive ourselves when we fall short of our goals. Also, if our failures or mistakes have caused others harm, that we do what we can to acknowledge and correct it.

I like to think that I am a good person and that I am good at what I do. Still, I am only human, and like anyone who engages in honest self-reflection, I can identify many times when I have failed to live up to my own expectations. I also know that, in ways large or small, I fail every day. Usually the consequences of my failures have been minor or non-existent, but occasionally they have been significant, and I often have to reach deep within myself to find the capacity for self-forgiveness when they occur. I also know that each failure presents an opportunity to learn, grow, and offer more to the people and world around me.

This ability to recognize, acknowledge, and forgive oneself for one’s failures and mistakes, and to see them as opportunities for self-improvement, is crucial to avoiding regret and finding inner peace. I wish that peace for all of you today.

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As we are fast approaching mid-summer, I am going to reflect on potential changes to this newsletter’s publication schedule for the coming weeks to enable me to make the most of what’s left of the short and quiet summer season here in New England. I may pause this newsletter until September, I may change the day of the week when I publish, or both. If you are a subscriber and do not receive the newsletter in your inbox next Sunday, you will know that I have decided to take a break or make a change. If I take a break, I will likely resume publication shortly after Labor Day. Thank you for your patience and for subscribing.